Lifes a Bitch

Life four letters that really can mess with you. All I know is that 'life' sucks. Im tired of mine for sure. I was wondering why I picked "Depression That Kills" as the title. And then it came to me. I picked it because it reminds me of myself. What can I say. I would think you read my about me. Im only 14. And im in a world that doesnt make sense. I mean dont get me wrong I know there is suppose to be some ups and downs. But in my life its all downs. I have 3 brothers and I take care of them while my mother works two jobs. Right now. Im in California. Trying to get away from the crazy stuff. But hard enough it doesnt happen. Im tryin my hardest to be my only person. but its pretty hard when you have everything on ur shoulders. I keep sayin to myself, "Its all gonna pass right over my head it all going to be over with." But nope. When im at home sweet home as people would call it. I cry. I cry like aways. I see my mother cry cuz of everything that has happened. But I cant stop what happens. Only God can control everything in our lifes. I have my room and I feel the sadness that i have been through in there. At that momment everything flashs before my eyes. Blood everywhere. The razor on the floor. Darkness covering everything. Tears and sadness that runs through my bood. But then I come back. Hoping someday i wont feel that anymore. But im going have my time when im happy and have a family of my own. but i Just want to stop all of it. Everything in my life come down like shit i was trying to build up. But what does anything have to do with the title. Here is my point. Life is a Bitch and it will always kill you. Depression is something everyone has to go through no matter how happy you may think you are. You know deep inside there is something there that tells you. "No point in living now!" But we just cant stop anything anymore. everything is going to go down hill from here. If one day i dont wake up from the Darkness. That means that my times is up and did what i had to do. Now thats really something to think about. Now tell me what is on ur mind. trying to write some more. but always stuck doing something.

Much Lvu.

Im Just Thinking

Try To Think Of What Had Happened.But All I Can Think Of Is What You Said.Its So Hard To Think About Anything Else.But Then I Came To Understand What You Said.So I Blinked Twice Making Sure It Wasnt A Dream.But I Was Awake.And I Repeated It Over and Over Again In My Head,"For Almost 90 Years I've Walked Among My Kind And Yours.All The Time Thinkin I Was Complete In Myself,Not Realizin What I Was Seeking.And Not Findin Anythin Because You Weren't Alive Yet."I Looked Back It Was Him He Smiled And Kissed The Top Of My Head."Do you Think I'll Eva Get Beta At This?"I Wondered Mostly To My Self."That My Heart Might Someday Stop Tryin To Jump Out Of My Chest Whenever You Touch Me?""I Really Hope Not"He Said a Bit Smug.I Was So Much Happier To Have Him.I Felt Happy and In Love For The Very First Time.

Help Me!!

My dreams tell me so much, about how life goes and what is gonna happen in the future. But I always have this dream. Its always about these 2 girls. One of the girls are small very pretty.But something is wrong with her. She is curled up in a little ball rocking back and forth. I cant make out her face because she is crying. I want to move or more like run to her side and try to find out what is wrong with her.But some how my feet aren't connected to my brain because I wont seem to move forward. So I try to reach out my hand and help her up but I'm to far to even touch her long brown straight hair that goes down her back. I can hear her screaming so loud."Someone Please Help Me!" I look around and no one was there but me and her. She said it over and over again but the last three times she had her arms out waiting for someone to carry her.But no one was there to help her not even me i was to afraid to move. I tried to say something but all that came out was,"I..I..Umm." I guess she heard me, so she looked up crying. I felt like crying at that moment because that little girl so pretty but in so much pain was me. I react and run so fast to hold her.I feel tears running and i let her go and wipe them and close my eyes to breathe evenly again. But when i opened my eyes again she wasn't there anymore. I looked around and it wasn't the little girl any more. It was a teenager well it looked like it.She was farther then i could remember. But i saw something shiny in her hand it was a razor, but that wasn't all there was blood too. I blink and she is on her knees now screaming but even louder saying," This one is for my mom for making her life hell." I see her slash her wrist. "This one is for me, and no one gives a shit about me." She slash herself again. And she looks up to the sky in pain. I feel something wet on my hand, it was blood running down my wrist too. I start to feel the pain i close my eyes in horror. I look again and its all gone the blood i don't see it. But now there are lines on my wrist like scars, I run my fingers on top of them. I look up again to fine that teenager but this time she was in a gray room. No light what so ever. She was sitting with her hands folded and looking at her knees. I moved forward slowly i fall on my knees. I grab one of her hands and asked," What happened to you?" She reply," You could have saved me. Out of all people you were the one.But No you didn't all you did was stand there crying and kept everything inside. You tired to runaway from it runaway from all of it, but that didn't help you. All it did was hurt yourself. And Now you see my world is gray. Just like yours. I have no love i have no feelings I have no one i have no reason to be alive." I answered back,"No I love you I cant just leave here with out you." I screamed at her and crying. She pointed behind me and it was the little girl again. She ran to me this time and still crying. " You are Running out of time please save me!" I Jump out of my bed and screaming and crying and even shacking. I say to my self i need to help her i need to. But its to late i say when i get knocked out of it. I worry everyday if I'm gonna end up like that girl in the chair. When I think of it i cry and picture her in my head looking for someone. And i see other little kids playing and she is crying in the corner. Is this ever gonna end and I'm ever going to help that girl? I hate this dream. Its like its letting me know to wake up and stand up for myself. I never seem to understand what happened to me, I just have to watch out and keep looking for the little girl i lost.

The Love Story I Have Always Wanted

People Like Me Always Make Mistakes And Try To Forget Them.But Some How Tryin To Forget Them Doesnt Always Work.The One Mistake I Wish I Never Made Was Letting Go Of You.I Tired To Stay Away From You I Was Tryin To Be Smart. So What Do I Do...I Go And Look For You.I Open My Window And Tryin Not To Be Loud I Say Your Name. You Were Already In My Room As I Jumped Tryin Not To Scare My Father Down Stairs.Im So Happy To See You And We End Up Talking For Hours.But Then You Say You Have Been Watching Me Every Night Cuz You Think It Is Interesting How I Sleep.I Was Looking At You Like I Knew You Were There.And You Tell Me I Talk In My Sleep.I Blush.You lift Your Hand and Rub My Face So Softly. I Asked You,"What Do I Say?"Tryin Not To Sound Like I Really Care,You Answer Me Saying,"You Said You Loved Me."My Eyes Open Up So Big. I Hid My Face Againt His Shoulder. "I..I Do Love You," I Whispered.Everything Was Quiet For A While.I Was Tryin To Think Of What I Said. But I Heard Him Say In A Whisper With The Sweet Vioce He Has "You Are My Life Now," He Answered Simply.There Was Nothing More To Say In The Moment.I Started To Get Sleepy And I Guess He Saw That In My Eyes.So He Held Me Rockin Back And Forth With Love Not Tryin To Hurt Me.All That Went Through Head Was I Dont Really Care If I Got Hurt As Long As I Was In His Arms.You Lift Ur Hand And Grabbed The Hair Hanging In Fornt Of My Face Put It Behind My Ear And Wiped My Tear.And Then You Sung Me To Bed And I Remember That Song It Was My Song.My Lullaby He Composed.And I Fell In A Deep Sleep. I Woke Up And I Found You Next To Me With Your Arm Wraped Around Me.I Jumped Up And Said"You Stayed, You Really Stayed".With your Smile That I Love You Said,"Good Morning, Love." I Smiled And Wraped My arms around ur neck, You Moved In Slowly Kissing My Forehead And Then I Moved And Kissed Your Lips.